nyny: about my ‘goals’

[note: this is a post i wrote longhand on december 31st and am just now getting around to typing up.]

You’ll note my goals (in this post) are kind of vague. I left them that way on purpose. Why? Because I have ADD*. Because I never know how I’m going to feel or be from one day to the next. I can’t say, “I’m going to walk three miles in the morning,” because I may not feel physically or psychologically able, or Thomas might have a clinic/hospital visit.

This is why it’s so difficult for me to schedule anything. That, and I think it’s ridiculous to say, “I’m going to walk three miles in the morning,” when I might get up and manage only half a mile. After that, should I feel guilty because i didn’t meet my goal? imho, no. Realistically, you look at your life and see what you’re capable of, and that’s what you do.

This is why I don’t won’t can’t refuse to use dated and/or timed ‘planners’. They just don’t work for me. This is why I like my plain regular notebook. I can write down what absolutely must be done today (phone calls, chores, meals, etc) with things I’d like to do today. As stuff gets done, I draw a line through it. If it doesn’t get done, I rip the page out and transfer that thing to tomorrow. Etc, etc, and so on. Lather, rinse, repeat. This is what works for me. This may not work for you, and I’m okay with that. Each of us has to find our own way in the world and work with that (and what we’re capable of, as I said before).

So that’s why I went through and listed vague steps to explain how I would like to achieve my goals. Note, I didn’t say, “How I will achieve my goals.” For me, listing how just sets me up for failure. Because life, the gods, and health, and unscheduled apocalypse may have other plans for me at any given time.

The new equipment at our new fitness center is complicated, and we actually have to go over and be shown how to use it. That’s the first step. The second step is using it. This new stuff has television screens attached (and gods know what all else – I may be able to send up signals to promote ‘Free Mars‘, for all I know), so I’m hoping that will help with the ADD boredom that always ensues when exercising with machinery. People say, “Listen to your mp3 player, Mari!” But that doesn’t work. That doesn’t give my mind or my eyes something to focus on. You have to understand true ADD/ADHD to ‘get’ this. It’s like before I started the Trazadone to get to sleep at night. I’d lay there and say, “Well. I’m bored.” And Preston would say, “Mari, just shut your eyes and go to sleep!” As if it were that simple!

Also. I forgot. The clubhouse is going to be accessible by keycards once the locks and cards arrive. We have to learn how to use those, too. I think the clubhouse is going to be ‘open’ twenty-four hours; I’m not sure yet. Also have to learn how to use the equipment in the theater room. But that shouldn’t be difficult. Sixty inch flat screen tv with a 3d Blu-Ray player and three rows of stadium seating (seats either twenty or twenty-five). The business center has three touch-screen iMacs; I get to learn how to use those, too! Sometimes I go over there when I need to print something – and I’m nice; I try to at least take my own paper and print double sided when I’m able. I’ve not use a Mac since 1992. Twenty years almost! (excuse me while I step over there and feel old for a moment)

But once I figure everything out, I’d like to host a weekly or a bi-monthly writ-in at the clubhouse. November spoiled me for getting out of the apartment and for having writing buddies! I miss that so much (which means my agoraphobia is definitely better!). Even without writing buddies, I plan to use the clubhouse for ‘leaving the apartment to write’ purposes. Mommy called this ‘a change of four walls’. I also want to walk down to the Tates Creek Library now and then when the weather is cooperative and my health will allow it. Four more different walls!

Getting back on a regular cleaning schedule shouldn’t be that difficult. If I can get the laundry done Wednesday mornings, I can go home and clean something once I’m finished. I did a big clean yesterday [December 30th], but I’m not always able to clean the apartment all in one chunk like that. Thanks to my blood pressure, migraines, and my back, I have days when I just can’t bend or lift my feet. Trust me, if your blood pressure is running high, the last thing you want to do is bend over and, at the least, get dizzy, or, at the worst, trigger a migraine. Remember what I said about being realistic about knowing and working with what you’re capable of?

Doing more organization around the apartment is going to take some time. I have to figure out what works best where and in what container. I have to figure out what I need to keep and what I need to throw out donate give away. And I have to figure out what containers I need to store it all in. The pinboards at Pinterest have really helped with this by giving me some terrific storage and re-use ideas. What I need are my reusable shopping bags, a dust rag, and time to go through all of my dvds and all of my books. Then, I need a lift to Half-Price Books to unload it all.

This and in my writing are where my creativity goals also apply. Creativity doesn’t have to apply only to ‘arts’. People, including me, need to get back in touch with their imaginations and start applying those ideas again – seems like we called this ‘creative thinking’ in school. I have found so many do it yourself and how to blogs out there that it’s ridiculous; and they all have so many great ideas, but it’s impossible to follow all of them. It’s no use collecting ideas if they aren’t ever implemented. And that’s the whole point of this NYNY thing. Action. (‘more doing’, just like those commercials tell you!)

And as I write this, I realize I didn’t put anything in my goals about my faith. And I should be ashamed because one of the first things I learned as a Gwyddon (also twenty years ago!) was ‘action’ instead of ‘re-action’. So easy to say. So difficult to do! One of my students sent me a paper Thursday [December 29th] titled What I Have Learned as a Gwyddon. As a teacher, it probably wouldn’t hurt me to write something similar. There are three of us in the college now, only three active members. And right now, one of those members is without Internet access, and it’s driving us all batty. See, we’re not one of those groups who insist on everyone living in the same neighborhood and getting together face-to-face every weekend. My current students? One is in Texas, the other in British Columbia. But I’m not discussing me here, am I?


Ganesha cropped up in conversation not long ago. Now he seems to be everywhere – or maybe I’m just looking harder. I’m not surprised, though, since I already have rapport with Kali (and have had since 1998). Also, it finally occurred to my addled ADD brain (we won’t discuss how many years, okay?) that all the cranes (Gwyddon, duh!) and herons have been Manawydan fab Llŷr‘s way of trying to get my attention – and here I’ve always looked at these as omens, and I know better!

But all of this seems to be pushing me toward some kind of direction, is my point. And I’ll eventually get there. It just may take me a bit longer than everyone else, but that’s okay, too!

* it’s not adult-onset ADD; there’s no such thing. it’s like chemical depression. it’s either something you’re born with or you don’t have it.